Here's a scenario: a couple is in therapy and spouse one is sharing feelings of frustration, resentment, and exhaustion due to having too much on their plate. They explain that they get little or no help from their partner with the day to day management of the kids and the home. Their experience is that their spouse rarely, or even never, thinks about, plans, or implements the day to day tasks required to run a household.
At its core, mental load refers to the cognitive effort and planning required to manage household tasks and responsibilities. It includes the management, organization, and anticipation of needs within the household. It's the invisible work that goes into remembering to buy groceries, scheduling doctor’s appointments, plan meals, or ensure that school forms are completed on time. It also includes things like the management of home maintenance, home repairs, or ensuring bills are paid on time,
In my work with couples, I have certainly encountered cases in which there exists a true imbalance in mental load, as well as physical load for that matter. When this is the case, it is often a complicated situation, requiring thoughtful care. More often than not, however, when a spouse or partner expresses their frustration about carrying too much of the mental load, that spouse is actually contributing to the imbalance.
And here's why. Most people have learned about mental load through social media. Social media paints the concept of mental load as extremely simple, with little nuance. In reality, it's a complicated issue. When it comes up in therapy, it requires careful assessment. Here are the main things I'm curious about when working with a couple in regards to mental load:
- Are either of them prone to anxiety? If so, when do symptoms arise? A person experiencing anxiety might prioritize a task that their partner never worries about. The task may not be that important actually, but it feels important to one (because of anxiety) and not the other. Or it may be an important task, but it causes anxiety in one (or both) so it's avoided.
- How is task tolerance showing up? When it comes to task completion, does one prefer to complete the task as soon as possible, while the other tends to wait until the last minute? This dynamic can often cause an ineffective relational cycle in which one spouse or partner is never given the chance to complete the task because the other has difficulty tolerating their timing.
- Is perfectionism or attempts at control at play? Are expectations for task management realistic? Is one spouse often critical of how the other handles things? Or do they have little tolerance for mistakes made by their partner? This dynamic creates task avoidance. Why try if you'll never do it right in their eyes anyway? Often times, the spouse is actually showing up in an equitable way, but the other spouse is placing blame to avoid their own discomforts.
- What does work look like for the couple? Who's working in the home, out of the home? How many hours? How does the family interact when everyone is home? Do either or both travel for work, work night shifts, etc.?
When an individual misunderstands what true mental load looks like, he or she might inadvertently use the concept of mental load as leverage in the relationship. Instead of fostering an environment of cooperation and mutual respect, a cycle of blame and avoidance is created, leaving the true relational issues unresolved.
So, yes, on one side of the coin there exists a true imbalance of the mental load and one partner or spouse is paying a heavy price. But on the other side of that coin, is a poor replica. It may appear to be an imbalance, but when looked at closely, it just isn't the real thing. A true imbalance cannot exist when both are contributing to its cause.
By recognizing and addressing the deeper issues—anxiety, control needs, or different levels of tolerance—couples can collaboratively find solutions that allow both individuals to feel heard, understood, and valued. Engaging in discussions without pointing fingers fosters a healthy partnership where mental load becomes a shared, rather than isolated, experience.
While mental load is an essential concept for identifying unseen labor in relationships, it should never be an excuse to ignore underlying personal challenges, or used to control power dynamics within the relationship. Understanding and properly addressing mental load can lead to deeper connection and understanding, allowing relationships to flourish in a healthy, balanced, and equitable way.
*Remember, when learning about mental health on social media, check your source and do your own research. Just because it's posted, doesn't mean it's an accurate or complete explanation, even if it's well-intentioned.
